FYI…This is really long.

It was a dark and stormy night that turned into a gray and drizzly morning.  Not exactly the weather I was hoping for on October 5th but it was workable nonetheless.  October 5th is our anniversary and I had big plans to do something special for my lady….get my Japanese Driver’s License.  Being a 40 something year old guy who has to depend on his wife to drive him around is kind of like having to ride the bus to school as a high school senior.  Super duper not cool.  Luckily, I’m still super duper cool and able to drive myself around but that is all going to change if I don’t pass the driving test by October 24th.  If you haven’t guessed by now, today I failed. At least I received glowing reviews for my performance.

 

I’ll give you a synopsis of what it has taken, up to now, to not have a Japanese license (I can drive because I have an international license that is valid until October 24th).

 

September 5-Satomi calls the driver’s license office to see what it takes for a foreigner (aka “gaijin”, translation “Outside person”) to get a driver’s license.  It requires:

 

1. Valid license from your home country-Potential degree of difficulty (PDOD)-0
2. Passport. PDOD:0 I already have that!
3. Foreign Resident Card.  PDOD:5.  Applying for the card was like so much of my Japanese life, bad comedy.  After a 3 week wait I get the card.
4. Two photos of the appropriate size for a Japanese Driver’s License which is different from the size needed for my foreign resident card.  I have 6 of those left.  I think they printed extra for me because my picture was so hideous.  PDOD:1.
5. Translation of the aforementioned license by the Japanese Automobile Society in Saga City.  PDOD: Easy, but a pain in the but since it requires 90 minutes of driving each way to cover a total distance of 51 miles.
6. Interview in Japanese to determine if I am even going to be able to take the test. Who has everheard of an interview for a driving test?!! PDOD: 6.  Satomi tells them that if the Japanese is difficult I won’t be able to communicate.  They give her permission to translate.  PDOD raises to 10+.  Satomi has no patience for my Japanese.
7. Take a written test.  PDOD: who knows but at least I can take it in English.  Satomi asks if there is a study guide in English.  They say no but the test “isn’t that hard”.  Everything is hard in Japan.  They love tests and they love bemoaning the fact that everything is difficult.  If they say it isn’t hard then it will be a piece of cake.  PDOD:1.
8. Take a driving test.  I’ve been driving for a lot of years. I can do this. PDOD:5.  Turns out the test isn’t on real streets.  It is on a driving course that doesn’t really resemble reality. It was designed by Japanese people for use by Japanese people who can access the same hive mind.  Revised PDOD 10+.  And they say “He will fail a few times.”  Revised PDOD 37.  When asked how I will know what to do they respond, “he should memorize the course.”  They decline to say how that can be achieved.  Revised PDOD 38.3. And, you must use the test center’s car.  PDOD: unchanged.
9. Make an appointment and show up at the correct time:  PDOD 1. We make an appointment for October 5th at 1:30pm.

 

With all of the necessary paperwork, we arrive at the test center 90 minutes early and as people do in Japan we eat a boxed lunch in a very spartan waiting room with a recycle bin but no trash can.  We pack the trash and load it in the car where it is still sitting.  We check with the information desk at the “Driver’s License Office” about where we are supposed to go for our appointment.  The woman seems very confused and suggests we try the next building, “The Driver’s License Examination” building.  Turns out that she is right.  The place is deserted except for a cleaning lady taking her lunch break.  She gestures toward a doorbell by one of the vacant desks.  It is 12:58pm.  The sign says that the window opens for business at 1pm.  We wait two minutes and at 1:00 and 1 second Satomi pushes the buttons and the building springs to life.  A thoughtful looking man in a very official uniform made entirely of manmade fibers materializes at the desk and listens to our question.  He appears to be deeply pondering our situation when a cheery and official looking lady, outfitted in a uniform without a hint of cotton and who three seconds before wasn’t even in the room suddenly summons us to sit down.  In short order she takes my documents and vanishes.  From somewhere we hear her tell us to take a seat.  Just as we start to sit down a different man, sans uniform, comes and ushers us into an office on the other side of the building.  I feel a little bit like maybe I am in a Kafka novel.  I am totally disoriented and I now have no driver’s license, passport, foreign resident card, or translation of my license.  I am, however, still holding two photos of myself that I had taken in the photo booth outside of a supermarket.  In them I look like I belong on a wanted poster.

 

In the room I am given “the interview”.  I recount my entire driving history from the time I received my learner’s permit until I left LA on August 31st.  They ask who taught me to drive, how many questions were on the written driver’s test, where I was asked to drive on the driving test, What kind of car did I drive, who owned the car, how big was the engine, How many passengers could it hold, how many hours a day and for how many months did I practice for the test, was my eyesight tested, did I receive my license the day I took the test or did I have to wait, how much did I pay for the test, how much did it cost when I renewed the license, what was the procedure for getting a California license when I changed from a Colorado license, did I practice on a manual or automatic transmission, blah blah blah ad nausemum.  I pass…the interview.  I guess that is good.  They say most Chinese and Phillipinos fail the interview.  Apparently, they don’t want to pay for Japanese driving school so they come with fake licenses and have no idea what the actual procedure to get a license entails and it shows.  They must go to driver’s school.

 

Next, I take the written test.  10 multiple choice questions.  Easiest test ever but I still miss one question.

 

Next is the driver’s test.  The man who interviewed me makes my all time favorite Japanese face when I insist on taking the test today even if it means I might fail.  All Japanese can do the face.  To make it yourself, pull your chin in and move your head as if resisting an invisible force that is violently trying to pull your right ear directly through your neck so that it touches the left shoulder. The entire time you should be sucking air violently in through your teeth so that it sounds like the spit vacuum at the dentist office.  The gesture means, “Your request is against standard protocol and if you persist everyone is going to be uncomfortable.”  I persist. I have been in this situation before.  I consider asking him if he likes the Carpenters.  Japanese have an unfading passion for the music of the Carpenters.  He looks a little bit too worldly to like what every other Japanese person likes.  I go out ona limb and ask him if he likes the Eagles.  He does!  He likes The Mamas and Papas even better.  We chat about 1960’s and 70’s American music.  I get to take the test “just as practice since I came from as far away as one can come to take the test.” In his mind the matter has been decided.  I will fail. Still, as the Green Tea Dreamer, I fully intend to pass.

 

Thank you Mamas and Papas.  After a little smoozing from my friend the interview guy, the driving test evaluator says that he will drive me around the course once so I can see it.  The interviewer hops in the back sat.  He brings Satomi along so that she can translate. I ride shotgun.  It is made abundantly clear that I won’t remember the course and that I will fail. As we drive the course I can see why expects me to forget the course.  If you look at the course on a map it is like a hand full of spaghetti that has been dropped on the ground.  Roads criss cross and wind to and fro everywhere.  A broken down car sits it one lane.  In the center of it all is a traffic signal. I’m having trouble telling if treets are one way or two way.  The course only hits a small fraction of the roads but that makes it even more confusing.  As he drives he stops where there are no stop signs, uses the turn signal 92.7% of the time and inexplicably moves from the far left side of the lane to the far right of the same lane.  I am puzzled but I remember as much as I can so that I can imitate his moves.  At one point he navigates an frighteningly narrow s-curve that only leaves inches on each side of the car.  Beyond those few spare inches the road drops two feet.  I suspect this simulates the many precipitous drops along rice fields or into drainage ditches in this land of the rising sun and few guardrails.  In another place he negotiates a crazy zig-zag with the same drop-offs and pieces of dangling plastic along the edge of the road.  These represent buildings, I suspect.  In Japan it isn’t uncommon for a house to be inches from a busy road.  All in all, this seems like a very representative test of driving in Japan. Still, I’m not nervous.

 

We return to the start and I am told to hop in the driver’s seat to take the test.  Just to show that I am a careful driver I walk around the car once before getting ready to drive. I even glance underneath the car in case a cat ran under when I wasn’t looking. I don’t put it beyond the country of Japan to risk the life of a cat to test if I am a safe driver or not.  In my experience, it seems that an unabashed display of caution never hurts in Japan. The evaluator seems to disagree. He yells, very politely, at me to hurry and get started. I hurry.  Once in the car I check the controls so I know where everything is.  He tells me to get started.  I start.  First thing  do is attempt to signal as I leave the parking lot.  Instead, I accidentally turn on the windshield wipers, something I do once a day when I drive in Japan.  The controls for the turn signals and wipers are on opposite sides in Japan and the USA.  Fortunately, the test hasn’t started yet so he can’t dock me any points.  I shouldn’t be too concerned. The country of Japan has already decided that I will fail. Letting me pass when I haven’t studied the course or paid $3000 to go to driver’s school would set a bad precedent. Other foreigners would expect to pass without some bloodletting as well. The entire house of cards would flitter to the ground. I saw the air sucking, head twisting face and know it’s true but I proceed anyway.

 

Did I mention I am taking the test on a manual transmission car.  I have some anxiety about this since I only have about 15 seconds of driving to get used to the clutch and the first stop is midway up a hill.  Turns out that it isn’t a problem.  The test car is amazing.  It is the nicest manual transmission that I have ever driven.

 

I drive the course with in a manner I would describe as above competent.  I negotiate the s-curves with grace and the zig-zag with measured confidence.  I manage to keep my turn signal on for most of the time that I am on the course.  I stop at the stop sign and try to look in the mirrors and check for danger as often as humanly possible.  I stop randomly a few times when it seems that danger may be lurking.  Still, for the first time I think that I may not pass this test.

 

The test ends and I am showered with praise for remembering the course.  In addition, not only my memory praised but my  my driving skill.  The evaluator doesn’t stop there. The driving skill of Americans and Canadians in general is given a big thumbs up. I definitely failed in spectacular style.

 

I am asked to step out of the car.  I am told that a perfect score is 100 and that 70 is passing.  I feel hope rustle in my chest.  This could be my crowning moment…My score, he says, was minus 200 and something.  Is that possible?  I sneak a peak at the evaluation sheet.Judging from the red red marks on his evaluation sheet he is a hemophiliac with a sword wound or minus 200 something is more than possible.  I think he will have to change to a new pen (or get a pint of blood). It appears that I made three mistakes…over and over and over and over.  I didn’t drive consistently within 70 centimeters of the left hand side of the road.  Which to me sounds like a recipe for pedestrian carnage.That was 10 solid minutes of deductions right there.  I didn’t check the inside mirror, side mirror, and glance back to the right (in that order) before signaling that I would change lanes to the right and turn right.  I had to do that a lot.  Oops!  I did however do all of those things simultaneously while turning on the signal on but not consistently in that order.  Apparently there was no partial credit.  I made similar mistakes when turning left.  I was informed that there is a set procedure for using your mirrors.  My haphazard style wasn’t appreciated.  I was also told that I am a completely competent and safe driver in Japan but that “isn’t what this test is about.  It is about following the rules and you didn’t do that.”  Point taken.  He goes on to say that Americans and Canadians are great drivers. They know how to control the car, they can anticipate problems, improvise, and adapt to changing situations.  In general, I agree.  He reiterates that this test is not about those things….it is about following the rules.  That’s a lesson I think I should learn in my new life.

 

Luckily, they said I can still drive on my international license until October 24th when it expires.  so, I drive Satomi to my friend Taichi’s Sushi restaurant and we dine fabulously and economically on our anniversary.

 

I sign up for a one hour lesson with the Japanese driving school on the 15th. They push me to sign up for a three month course but I decline.

 

I’ll let you know if I become the 12th grade dork who rides the bus to school.

 

-The The Green Tea Dreamer